Destructive Hands, Burning Skin
by JackB
Summary: John Winchester is dead, Dean react, but not in the way Sam and Bobby ever expected he could react. It made them wish John died sooner.


**Résumé :** John Winchester is dead, Dean react, but not in the way Sam and Bobby ever expected he could react. It made them wish John died sooner.

Sam and Dean are something only if you want it to be

It's not a happy ending but it's not a bad ending either

 **Warning : Past child abuse : Past Rape/Non-con Graphique description of rape RAPE Violence**

It's Dark, watch the tags before you read it. If you think I should add some tags tell me I will add them immediately.

 **Note :** Please agknowledge that english is not my first language, please be tolerant, I'm still learning, it's not an excuse, just an explanation. Hope you enjoy !

* * *

John Winchester is dead ! It's not an easy time so Sam and Dean had retreated to Bobby place so they can take a breath to deal with it. Dean, of course, took the new pretty bad, his behavior had changed, he doesn't talk, he barely said a word since they knew. He doesn't answer questions and prefers use his hands to show something, like food or bathroom, instead of just talking, like 'I go there' 'let's take that to eat'... Sam doesn't like that and Bobby get no more from him either.

« Dad is dead. » Says Sam after he took a sip of his beer, both of the three men are around the table, drinking in this sunny afternoon. Of course they know he's dead, but repeat it make it more and more real, like 'oh yes, he's dead'.

Dean is taken of an hysterical laugh. A sharp, loud noise that doesn't fit in the situation. That doesn't really fit to the big brother either, nor to his actual behavior the past days. He is breaking, they think. The laugh becomes a repetitive 'hehehe'.

« You know what, he's dead ! » He says happy in an exclamation.

« Dean. » Sam frown as his brother get up and tap the table.

« Big news ! Dad is dead ! » He continues to laugh. « God he's dead. This asshole is dead ! » He breaks his beer on the floor with as much rage as he can.

Without listening to what Sam and Bobby might say or looking their stunned face, he got out, still laughing, and it becomes uncomfortable to hear. They both share a wondering look.

« What the hell ? » Snaps Sam.

« He's breaking. »

They hear a big sound coming from outside, by the windows they can see Dean had taken a metal bar and is trying to destroy even more an already destroyed car. He shouts and it's not unusual, it's actually far more coherent to see him act like that. But what is unusual, though, is what he says.

They go outside, not sure to have heard correctly. Dean is letting everything go out on the car.

« I'm not your fucking slut anymore ! You're dead ! »

Sam and Bobby watch each other, frowning.

« I've won ! You never touched Sammy you son of a bitch. » He broke what rest of the windshield. « You're dead without putting your dirty hands on my little brother ! »

They're not sure what Dean means by that, they just watch for more. Trying to stop Dean right now would, anyway, lead to nothing and not be particularly easy considering how angry he is.

« I'm not your toy anymore ! » He screams.

Sam know that their father never been a really good one, very controlling, expecting a lot of them and forcing them to be how he wanted them to be. He, most of the time, wasn't a father, but a military general. But he didn't know that Dean thought their father was thinking of him as a toy. It's not the kind of words he thought he would hear from him. His brother continues to shout with 'You're dead' on repeat mode. It's when Bobby leaves to let the boy deal with his mourning that he is stopped by the next sentence.

« I'm not your cum dumpster anymore. »

If they can't see his face, they can hear the disgust in his voice. They turn to each other, wondering if they haven't hallucinated for hearing this word, but what is following seem to comfirm.

« I'm not your slut ! I'm not yours ! You won't touch me anymore. Never. Ever. Again. »

They're stunned. _What the fuck !_ They thought. It makes no sense to hear Dean screams that.

Bobby step in his direction.

« Dean ? » He grabs his shoulder and, for an instant, Dean stop shouting and beating the car. « Son are you okay ? »

« Yes. » He laughs. « Why ? » his breath is loud.

« What you're saying.. » He hopes it will suffice.

« Yeah and ? »

Bobby frown, the boy doesn't seem to see what's wrong. At the time he stays stunned, Dean is back to his shouting, destroying the roof of the car. The older man takes a step back.

« I'm not your toy anymore Dad ! You're dead ! Find you another bitch to fuck in hell, I'm done ! You will never touch me again ! »

Sam is watching in disbelief, trying to understand the meaning of all that.

« You have no power over me now ! I'm not a trash for your anger and sadness, I'm not your pretty soldier doll you can use when you want. »

Bobby can't stand anymore, they have to make a sense of all that. Why is Dean screaming such words ? About his father, father that he had loved and protected and followed in any hunts, that he had obeyed to for many years. That doesn't make sense, especially the words he chooses. He tries to catch him by the chest, to restrain him and calm him, but before he clutch steadily Dean in his arm, this one shout even louder.

« I'm not a set of holes made for you ! Gave to you to destroy. »

« Dean ! » Bobby shout.

He calms a little, but try to escape.

« Leave me Bobby ! » He catches his breathing.

Sam runs to them, faces Dean, grabs him by the shoulders. This situation is insane and make him umconfortable. _What the fuck is going on ?_ He asks himself.

« Dean calm down, what you say doesn't make any sense. » His brother laughs.

« You're okay Sammy, you will always be now, he never put his hands on you, never will ! » He says with relief.

« Dean.. »

« Release me ! » He shouts, less nice this time, still full of rage, but not for them.

« Dean, dad would have never touched me, he never touched you, what you say makes no sense. »

« Yeah ! I kept him out of you, be what he wanted so he don't go to you, so he don't use you. »

« Boy.. »

« I've protected you from him Sammy, always, back when we were kids until now, he never putted a finger on you. »

He struggles harder and succeed to free himself from Bobby, groans and takes back is previous activity, shouting and beating. He doesn't give a fuck about who is around him, he's too obsessed by letting out his rage. Sam and Bobby turn to each other again, trying to make sense of all that, of what Dean says and implies. If what he says is true, then Bobby wants to throw up.

« Empty your balls somewhere else I'm not your personal cocksucker. You can't beat me, you can't touch me, you can't fuck me, you can't destroy me. I'm done bleeding because of, you son of a bitch. .Dead ! »

He becomes erratic and even more violent.

« You have no power, no power ! You can't break me anymore ! You're the weak one now ! You're dead ! I survived you ! I'm strong ! You're nothing ! » He screams and it's scary to hear him.

Bobby grabs Sam's hand to bring him inside. They couldn't do a thing and it was too painful to watch and hears, no need to stay here.

« I'm more than an object, I'm not a faggot or your perfect obedient soldier. I'm not a replacement for mom ! » Sam closed his eyes in pain. « I'm not your bitch ! I'm not your whore ! Your fuckhole ! Your sweet tight pussy you can grab and fuck and share and sell to all the fucking sick dickhead just for your own amusement ! I'm not your pussy pretty boy ! »

Bobby and Sam got inside, still hearing Dean shout with as much rage his voice allow him to express. Bobby pulls out two glasses and a bottle of bad whisky. Beer is not strong enough, he pours them a large amount of it and drink it right away.

« Bobby, what is going on ? »

« Don't you see ? That's not that complicated ! »

« It's non-sense. »

« Really ? It makes less sense that we never had seen a thing before. »

« Did dad really.. abused him ? » He speaks with a low tone, still not believing what Bobby started to accept as real. Even saying the words is hard, he doesn't want it to be real.

« It seems, Dean would never fake something like that on someone of the family if it wasn't true. You saw him, he is not faking, he has no reason to fake anything. » He pauses « If it's not real then.. it's real Sam, John did.. he abused him. » He pours himself another glasse and drink it, Sam took his too. « He has hidden that all this years. I hate saying that, but he has been good at it. I never suspected a thing. » He sits.

« Why does Dean react just now ? If it really.. started when we were.. kids, why he didn't leaved when he could, when he was older ? »

Bobby snort. He knows, it's not that hard to imagine, it's not that hard to understand. Sam is not an idiot, he just denies the reality of all this. They hear Dean scream as loud and long as he can until he is out of air, then, do it again few second after and it continues again and again. It's so painful to hear.

« Don't you see ? John has broken him, abused him, manipulated him, make him feel and believe what he said to him. He had kept him on leash by destroying him emotionally. Maybe using you to keep him beside him, to keep using him. Dean would have done everything to protect you and that's what he did, he said it. It's probably what gave him enough strength to endure what John had done to him, knowing he was protecting you. »

« It's my fault then. »

« Oh please, spare me this bullshit, it's absolutely not your fault, nor Dean's. It's John who did that. If he started doing this.. shit.. when you were kids, he might have broken your brother's mind, making him believe it was normal, or that he didn't have a choice. »

He rubbed his face with his hand, wiping a tear. The boys were like sons to him and he didn't see, he didn't protect them, he didn't protect Dean.

« Why now ? » Asked Sam, but he knew why. « He is free now. » He said after a moment, Bobby nobbed.

The little brother couldn't stop thinking about everything in the past, of course there were potential signs, but he never saw them, never understood them in that way, how could he ? Dean stayed hunting with their dad whiles he was gone. Hunting made Dean feel useful by protecting people. Protecting was and is in his blood, he has always done that, first with him, his little brother and then with every person he could. He knew is brother well, protect and help was is life motto. And doing it by hunting probably gave him force to endure John's behavior toward him. Making him feel useful.. for something else than just be.. a 'cum dumpster' for his father.

Family was the only thing to him, Sam knew that, but his mother died, his father abused him in many ways and just know he was learning that he abused him in far worse ways too, stealing his childhood and innocence for his vengeance, and his little brother flees far away as soon as he could, abandon him. Even if family was destroying him, it was all he had, the only thing he thought he had. When their father was gone, he felt lost, he needed his family, so he reached for the closest one he had, even if it was dangerous to put Sam and John close, at least they were a family and Dean could continue to protect him by letting their Dad use him as he wanted. All that just to protect their sick, twisted family.

« He must have felt so alone. »

« Yeah. »

« I've done everything to prove my worth to you ! It was never enough ! » They heard Dean scream. « I was never enough, never good enough, never strong enough. I've never earned your respect no matter what I've done ! You're a son of a bitch, I hate you ! I hate you ! I hate you ! »

He stops to take his breath, but it doesn't last long and he's back to destroying the car.

« You were never proud of me ! Only when I shut up and be the good boy you wanted me to be ! You're not here to tell me to stay silent anymore ! » He persists to beat in short, fast movement on only one place of the car, as he grunts to punctuate. « I've never liked it ! I'm not your slut ! I hated it ! I hated it each time ! You're a liar ! I've never liked it ! I hate you ! I hate it ! »

Bobby gets up to kick in a chair, breaking it. He leaves the room and Sam stay, trying to think, to acknowledge this new fact as true.

The time come when they realize it's now silent, Dean doesn't scream anymore and there's no beating sound either. The sky starts to get dark, it's not surprising that Dean stopped, he must be exhausted.

They step outside, Dean is curled in a corner made by two cars, hands in his hair and even if they can't see it because they're still too far away, he is crying. They come closer and crouches beside him.

« Dean.. » Tries Sam.

His brother is crying hard, big tears sliding down, red cheeks, nose running, expression deformed by sadness, frustration, shame, pain and despair. He's lost and broken.

Sam tries to touch him, just a hand on his shoulder, but his brother jerks away still crying loudly, a hand clenched hard in his hair. He looks away in shame and close his eyes hard, his chin is shaking as he bites his lower lip. It's painful to watch. His brother seems so weak and fragile.

« It's not your fault boy. »

Dean whine and takes few fast breaths, he hides his face in his knees. He just wants to disappear, to die, he wishes he never existed in the first place. All this time, all this time he has been a toy for his father, he never succeeded to say no, to actually impose a no. He hated it, so much, but he wasn't strong enough to stop it, to stop anything. He was just a kid, just a small child that had nothing but his family. But even when he was a grown man he just let his father do what he wanted with him. He never succeeded to stop him, John has been too strong, had too much power over him, he only needed few words on the right tone to make Dean afraid and paralyzed, defenceless.

« We should get you inside. » Sam tries to catch his shoulder again but again Dean flee his touch.

« No ! » He whines in a small broken voice.

« Okay, okay, that's okay. » He sits beside his big brother.

Bobby watches carefully, trying to catch each expression he makes to understand him better, how he feels, so maybe, maybe he will find the right words to reassure him, even just a little. After a moment Sam talks again.

« When did it started ? » He asks and Bobby stares at him with a mean look, it takes few long seconds before Dean answer.

« What ? » Sam sighs.

« When did he started to do that to you ? »

« Do you really think it's important ? » Groans Bobby.

« I want to know. »

« I don't know. » His tone is a little stable, but his shaking chin doesn't help, so it's still low and almost incomprehensible. « Can you leave me alone ? »

« No way, we don't leave you alone Dean. » Bobby's tone is sure and confident, there's no place for protest, but it makes the boy cries louder. Of course he doesn't want to be seen like that by the people he cares about.

It's too risky. Dean knows that. They could leave, or mock him or use him, he doesn't want any of that. He couldn't handle it. He just wants it to be over, he just wants to be strong, and face them with confidence, he didn't choose to break here and now, it was a pulsion he couldn't fight it and now he is scared that the closest person to him will reject him.

They wait, keeping a silent company as Dean is literally falling into pieces. His father had broken him, but he held everything until today.

« When did it happen for the first time Dean ? » Sam ask again as the night start falling.

Dean is still crying, as loudly as before and his face is really puffy, wet and red. The outside light goes on and Bobby made it back.

« I don't know, you were four years old. » He says.

Sam and Bobby watch each other, so it started when he was eight and if John didn't stop until he was dead, he had abused Dean for almost twenty years. The boy only knew that all his life, a life of rape and abuse, a life as a toy, as a slave.

« I'm so weak ! » He cries. « I deserved it, everything. »

Both men take a sharp breath. It's even more terrible to hear Dean says that.

« No Dean, you deserved nothing. »

« Yes, I was a bad son, not good enough, I deserved to be punish. »

Sam tries again to reach for him and this time Dean let himself be touched. Gently he takes him in a hug. Dean grabs his shirt hard and press himself closer. The younger hunter is incapable to talk more.

« It was not your fault. »

« Yes it was, I'm bad, I'm wrong, I'm stupid and weak. »

« No you're not. » says Bobby.

« Yes I am, Sam is intelligent and strong and I'm just meat. »

« No boy, John was wrong, what he did to you was wrong and sick. You have nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. »

Dean continues to cry and break, he's shaking. Sam caresses him gently on his head and back. After what seem an hour they force him to get up to get him inside. His legs are weak and barely hold him. He kept his head bent.

« I will prepare a bath of him, can you make some food, he must be hungry. » Ask Bobby, Sam seems weak too, shaken to see his brother in a state like that.

« Sure. »

Bobby help Dean to climb the stairs, put him on the toilet whiles he opens the tap to let the water fill the bathtub. The boy doesn't really react and the older man have to help him to get his clothes off until he's naked, because really, Dean can't do a thing.

They both might feel embarrassed, but honestly Dean barely notices he's naked and Bobby at this instant don't give a fuck, his adopted son need help, they are both men anyway so who care ?

« Come on boy, a bath will relax you. »

Even helping Dean enter in the water is an effort.

« Clean, relax, take your time, I will check on you later. » The weak, tired stare the younger man give him is hard to watch. Then he breaks again in a loud cry.

« No ! No, no, no ! Please no ! » He whimpers.

Bobby crouches beside him so they are at the same height.

« What's wrong ? »

« I don't want to. Don't want to.. please. » He begs.

Bobby keeps a calm and gentle voice. The kind of voice a mother would use to ease the pain of her child.

« What you don't want ? » He ask.

« Get myself ready. » Dean tries to hide himself by curling, arms around him as a protection.

Bobby closes his eyes. _Of course._

« Dean, you don't get ready for anybody, it's just to make you feel better and clean, nothing is going to happen after you go out of the bathroom. »

« Yeah ? »

« Of course ! »

« You promiss ? »

« Yes, on my soul. We will never hurt you Dean, you know that. » He stops for a moment. « You're safe here, John is dead, he can't hurt you anymore. »

The hunter nob and Bobby give him a pat on his head before he leaves the room. When he joins Sam downstairs, the boy is crying in front of the sink. As he sees Bobby coming, he face him and took a big sip of his whiskey.

« I think I should buy him a pie. He loves pie. » The older hunter nob as Sam left quickly.

So he stays alone, clenched jaw, deep anger in his heart. Sam takes his time before coming back. The little brother stopped the Impala on the side of the road, near a forest and he let himself cry until it goes dry. He can't believe it, Dean has been abused all this time and he never said a thing, he never showed a thing and him, the idiot as he was, he never saw a thing. His big bro had protected him all his life and he hasn't been able to do the same. It's with red eyes that he go search a pie.

After a good moment Bobby go check on Dean. He hadn't reached the door that he hears him groans. He enters just to see Dean scrub his skin with a loofah mitt. It's a deep red, actually it's bleeding. He scrubbed his skin until it bleeds.

In a few steps he reaches him and tries to get the mitt away from him, but Dean resists, he's still crying and he desperately wants to keep the object in his hands.

« Dean ! Give me that ! You're hurting yourself. »

« No ! I'm dirty, let me, let me, I'm dirty ! »

« You are not, stop, give me that ! » Finally, he succeed to grab the mitt, not without finishing with his shirt all wet, and throw it away. Then he grabs Dean wrist and tries to steady him. « Calm down, everything is ok, you're safe here and you are not dirty. »

« Yes I am, I'm disgusting. »

« Dean.. »

« I want to rip my skin away, let me, let me Bobby. » The hunter hugs him and press the younger boy's head on his shoulder.

« Shhu, it's okay, it's okay, calm down. » And Dean cries in his arms even if it's starting to hurt him to cry that much. It's not long before he digs his nails in his skin to continue to rip off his skin. Bobby had to restrain him even more. He wants to scream him to stop because it's painful and hard to deal with, but it's the last thing Dean needs, so Bobby goes for his second call and whisper gentle words to him. It's a good thing that the younger man's face is pressed against him, he can't talk and it mean he can't denigrates himself.

After a time Bobby releases him and takes the initiative to wash him as if he was a very young child. Dean tries to hide his face in his hand, to flee, he's ashame, so ashame and he feel dirty. What his dad has done to him make him feel sick, make him feel disgusted by his own body. He want to scrub him away, make him leave, make disappear each place where he touched him, where he took possession of him, where he used him. It's unbearable. He wants to destroy his body. Bobby's touch doesn't feel the same, though, so he let himself in his hands and he let him dry him. Bobby even helps him to put clean and comfortable clothes on.

They haven't done two meters in the corridor to go downstairs when Dean crouched and whined even more.

« I'm dirty, I feel him, it's disgusting, I feel his hands, his lips. »

Sam came back at this moment and Bobby crouches beside Dean.

« Let's go grab a beer and eat pie, okay ? » Then he called Sam.

The younger hunter joins them and crouches beside them, then he notices the wound on his brother's arms.

« What happened ? » He asks, almost panicked as he grabs Dean arm to watch closer. His brother is weak and numb.

« He hurted himself, wanting to rip his skin away. » It makes Sam feels bad. « I stopped him, he got superficial wounds on all his body, but nothing too serious, I banded the worst one though. »

Sam nobs, he knows it was not the time to get angry.

« I've got pie, let's eat it. » Dean nobs, but made no effort to get up. It was worthless and after a time Sam gave up. « If you don't want to get to the pie, then the pie will come to you. »

That's how they finish in the corridor at eating pie. Dean devours it as he used to do and for once in this fucking horrible day it's a good thing to watch.

Dean is exhausted so they took him to bed. They pass two hours in a peevish ambiance trying to change definitely how they remembered John Winchester before they heard cries and screams from upstairs. Both men close their eyes in pain. Sam hears his name so he got up as Bobby nobs, no need for words here.

Sam joins his big brother in the chamber, he turns on the light.

« No light ! » Dean snaps between two snob.

The room goes dark with only the moon for some light.

« What do you need Dean ? »

« Stay with me. » He whimpers. « Please. »

Sam lay down beside him.

« Sammy. » He moans before wiping his running nose.

The younger brother passes a hand in his brother short hair. Being as tender and loving as he could despite all the feeling he experienced right now.

« Hold me. »

It wasn't going to be a two minutes hug so he should make himself comfortable, he removes his pant and sock then his jacket before stepping under the blanket. He reaches for Dean and hugs him tight. The older one melts in the touch and press his face in his brother's chest.

It took a long time before they talk again, well, before Dean talk.

« I let him. I let him Sam. I'm bad, I'm a bad person. »

« You're not. »

« I've said no, I've fought but he never stopped. » He cries. « Then I just stopped to fight, it was pointless. But I never liked it. »

Sam strokes gently and fondly his brother back.

« You don't have to talk about it Dean. » His brother nob. « Butif you think it may make you feel better, you can, I will listen to you. »

A good amount of time pass before the older talk again.

« I was scared, all the time, each time. He made me his perfect obedient doll. He just had to say few words and I obeyed like the perfect slut he made of me. »

« You're not a slut Dean. »

« Yeah, you're right, I'm worse. »

« No.. » Sam doesn't have the time to continue.

« My mind gone blank and I just couldn't fight anymore, I just dropped my pants and let him fuck me the ways he wanted. I'm weak and idiot. But I couldn't Sammy, I couldn't fight, I was paralyzed, he just.. he just had too much power over me. God I'm a weak useless piece of meat. »

« Dean.. »

He hugs him even tighter and kiss his forehead. He remembers some of his classes and tries to find some reassuring parole, something that could prove to his brother that it's not his fault. He's not sure it's the right thing to say at this moment, but he can't think of something else, he needs something to hold onto so he can stay strong and academic facts are always good for that.

« It's a normal reaction to repetitive aggression and trauma. It's just a coping mechanism the brain puts in place to protect you, to avoid too much damage. It's not your fault, you're not weak Dean, you're not weak. » He kisses him again. « It's a normal behavior and there's nothing wrong to act like you acted. »

« But I gave my consent after. When he said that if I didn't comply he would go find you, so I said yes, I kept him on me so he wouldn't go after you, I've made it easier for him, I've engaged the things sometime when I knew he was dangerous and on edge, so he wouldn't break on anybody else. I've been the perfect dirty whore he wanted. I'm so bad, you must hate me, you must find me disgusting, I'm disgusting, I hate myself, I should die. » He talks fast.

« Dean it was not consent, you never consented to it. »

« Yes I did. » He whines.

« It was under threat, you agree to have sex with him under threat, it's not consent, it's still rape, he still abused you. »

« No it wasn't. »

« Yes Dean it was. » He says in a firm voice. « Don't blame yourself for what he did to you and what he forced you to do and forced to agree to. It's rape, it's always rape if you are afraid to get hurt if you don't comply, or if you're scared, or find it disgusting. It's still rape if you said no or stop or pushed him away, or if you wanted to but couldn't physically. It's still rape if you're under any threat. It's rape because he took advantage of you when you was young, you couldn't consent, never ! It's rape Dean, and it's not your fault, in any case. » He continued to caress him and kiss him, his voice was calm and loving but determined, Dean had to understand. « I don't hate you, I don't find you disgusting, I will never find you disgusting. »

« But I am. »

« You're not, believe me, you're not. »

Dean took a moment before he talked again.

« I can feel him, his hands, his lips, his cock, I remember the taste and the smell, it's horrible, I want him to get away. Make him go away Sammy. » It's desperate.

« I don't know how to do it, but we will find a way, I promise. »

« I liked it sometime, I was hard, I came because of him, more than I ever wanted to, I hated it. I'm a slut Sam, dirty and sick. »

« Again, it's not unusual for victims of rape to have an orgasm or actually take pleasure from it. It's physical Dean, just a physical reaction, you can't control your body. It doesn't change the fact that it's a rape, it doesn't make it less wrong. It's not your fault and you're not dirty or sick because of it. »

Dean hugged his brother tight, snuggling as close as he could.

« Sometime he just stopped in the middle of nowhere on a road and fucked me on the car, no lube, no prep and it hurted like a bitch. I was his object, a human sextoy. Sometime it was just after a hunt, after we cleaned an area, he just pinned me down and fucked me no matter if dead bodies were around us. » Sam cried in silence. « He was angry too, and beated and fucked me rough, sometime until it bleeds, and I got bruises for weeks. He just beated me until I was curled on the floor and didn't made any more sound. He made me collapse few times because he strangled me or was fucking my mouth without letting me breath, he even made me throw up from it. » Again it's fast, as if he wants to throw everything out of him by saying it.

He took a deep breath and sobbed loudly.

« And to make easy money he sold me to pervert, mostly when we were kids. To pedophiles that were happy to have a boy to fuck, and he watched and touched himself while they fucked me, asking me to be a good boy because if I wasn't we couldn't buy food and I didn't wanted you to be hungry, it wasn't true, I know, it was just extra to buy his alcohol, but I couldn't take the risk. »

« Oh god Dean ! God I'm so sorry, it's horrible, I didn't see it, I'm sorry. »

« It's okay Sammy you were safe that the only thing that count. »

« But you, you wasn't safe and it counts as much as my safety. God Dean, Dean, I'm sorry. »

Sam started to cry louder, big tears on his cheeks, it was so horrible, so hard to hear and he knew it was just a small part of the whole thing. Dean turned himself, feeling so disgusted by himself, so dirty, so bad, he wasn't worth Sam attention. But his little brother held him, kept him in a tight embrace, Dean back was now against Sam chest. He kissed him gently on the back of the neck and stroked his nose on his hair.

« It was not your fault, it never was, never, do you hear me ? Never ! What he did, what they did to you was wrong and sick and bad and you are a victim of it, don't make yourself your own tormentor, you suffered enough. »

« But you know what, I'm Bi, I like men too, what if he made me become like that ? »

« It could, but it also couldn't, maybe you were Bi before all that. But Dean, even if you started to like men because you have been raped it doesn't make your orientation less valid. »

« You won't leave me do you ? »

« Of course I'm not leaving you ! Nor Bobby, we are your family and we will never hurt you the way dad did, and we are not going to think less of you because of what happened. You're a strong man, not everybody would have been able to handle so much abuse, you're more strong than you think. And again, it's not because you didn't succeed to fight that it make you weak, or bad, or wrong, or dirty. It's human and normal. Do you understand ? »

« Yes, but.. » He couldn't finish his sentence.

« I know, I know you don't believe it right now, but I'm going to repeat it to you each day until you believe it. »

« Sammy.. »

« I love you Dean ! I love you and I will never leave you. »

They stopped talking and slowly fell into sleep, Dean was exhausted so he fell asleep at first, Sam continued to caress and kiss him tenderly until he joined his brother.

They knew it would take time for Dean to deal with all his trauma, it would never heal completely, you didn't heal from something like that, but they will help him, love him and make him feel safe.

 **End.**


End file.
